you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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