his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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