Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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