I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
