You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
