Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
