Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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