she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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