i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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