haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
