You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
