i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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