I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
