went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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