If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She's the barista slut.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.