When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger