The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
