now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
