Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
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