Someone shit on the floor
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
