WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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