you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.