My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
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Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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