i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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