seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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