oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
