I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
