so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
