I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
