my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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