I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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