I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
