Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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