you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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