when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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