just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
