my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
