You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
