her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
