Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
