i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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