Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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