Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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