So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
