just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
