whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
