i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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