If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
