Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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