shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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