My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
