I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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