i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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