thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Come see our sink grown plant.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
