We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just had sex on a roof
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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