her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
