My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
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Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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