I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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